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One Born Every Minute

by Sal Moriarty


Never fall in love with politicians. They're all a disappointment. They can't help it, they just are. Peggy Noonan


A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar. H. L. Mencken


I hear people asking if America is ready for a female president. Odd question, in my opinion, but I don't make the rules.


To run successfully for president, or any federal office (oh, or governor...or any statewide office...some school boards), there is one skill that cannot be overlooked, because significant political success cannot be achieved without it – no matter the sex of the candidate. If you can do it well, you have a chance.


You have to be a liar.


Donald Trump's recent waffling on his base's most passionate issue – abortion – comes to mind. One day he felt a six-week ban was “too short”, next day, well, maybe not. That's a masterclass in insincerity. Trump has been so all over the board on abortion during his lifetime (“strongly pro-choice” in 1999), who knows what he believes? If anything. He just says stuff and, frankly, considering how many accept such blather at face value, it's brilliant!


Can Mrs. Harris match the king?


In 2019, she said “no question”, she was in favor of banning fracking; then, in 2024, she said, “...we can grow and increase a thriving green energy economy without banning fracking.”


So, in an election year, it appears she wet her finger, stuck it in the air, and rode with the prevailing political winds. It's not as dramatic an issue as abortion – where one side calls the other side “baby killers”, and are met with the chant, “Keep your rosaries off my ovaries!” - but it shows Mrs. Harris can tell a pretty big fracking lie, so kudos.


That said, if you want to be president, one lie (or two, or three, or four, or six hundred and sixty-six) ain't going to cut it. If your mouth is open, duplicitous poppycock should be spewing out of it.


For example, Trump boasting about his patriotism: this is the guy who told Howard Stern avoiding sexually transmitted diseases was his “personal Vietnam”. The same dude told his Chief of Staff (decorated war veteran John Kelly) he didn't understand why veterans gave their lives in Iraq and Afghanistan (“What was in it for them?” he asked Kelly...at Arlington National Cemetery...on Memorial Day, 2017).


Cut to the wacko video of him hugging (?) the flag and his speechifying about “real Americans”, etc. If you cannot make up that kind of garbage on the fly, you ain't going to be president. Because it works.


For a certain segment of the population that nonsense erases the knowledge that Trump, the Ivy Leaguer, got a draft deferment for bone spurs during the Vietnam War, and did not serve. Some Trump supporters were not as forgiving when they discovered Billy Clinton had been equally determined to avoid southeast Asia back in the day. I guess one man's draft dodger is another man's savvy realist. Regardless, both men share much in common; chiefly, both are absurdly successful liars.


Donald J. Trump, a public figure for decades, claiming to be a gung-ho patriot is so bizarre, flies so dramatically in the face of everything we know about the candidate, the lie can only be described as...brilliant!


Can our Veep keep up?


Well, she would have us believe Tim Walz is the most qualified candidate to be on the Democratic ticket for VP. He's one of those guys who needs to be told frequently to, well, shut-up. Whether it be Tienanmen Square or details about his military service, he reminds me of a ventriloquist dummy. Vaguely amusing, with a brain made of wood.


Then, of course, there's the border. I, for one, think both parties stink at securing the border, but it was obviously not high on Mrs. Harris's list of priorities as VP. Challenged recently on 60 Minutes about the historic influx of undocumented immigrants crossing the border the first three years of the Biden/Harris administration, she responded, “It's a longstanding problem, and solutions are at hand.”


Said with a straight face, critical to the art of lying. The Force is strong with this one.


So, Mrs. Harris tells us border security is a top priority. It's so bizarre and flies so dramatically in the face of everything we know about the candidate, the lie can only be described as...brilliant!


When I look at many of the well-known female politicians – AOC and Elizabeth Warren on the left, Republicans Lauren Boebert (named best movie-going companion by Groper magazine) and Marjorie Taylor Greene on the right - I think women are ready to take center stage in American politics.


They seem equal to the task of doing/saying anything to win, to lie to our faces and assume, often quite accurately, we're nothing more than a bunch of brain-dead zombies. Works when the men do it.


So, duh, the women are ready.


Really, the question of sex misses the point. Successful politicians, male or female, can't help themselves. They're just rotten people.


The only relevant question is this: will those segments of the American electorate willing to line up enthusiastically behind anyone who reinforces their biases and prejudices, ever learn the process of voting for president (among many offices) requires a clothes pin on the nose, and a bottle of Pepto-Bismol in the back pocket?


I'd think Americans would tire of being suckers, but again, I don't make the rules.



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